Merry Christmas 2010 from Bronner's

I would like to thank the fine folks at Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland in Frankenmuth, Michigan for sending me their 2010-2011 catalog this week: Bronner’s Christmas Favorites. 

I know, the Autumnal Equinox was only two days ago, it’s September 25 and Christmas is exactly three months away but in today’s busy retail world, you’ve got to plan ahead.   Each and every one of these items is currently listed for sale in their catalog and on their website (www.bronners.com).  

Now in the interest of full disclosure, I have bought a variety of Christmas ornaments over the years from this establishment.  I have no axe to grind with Bronner’s. On the contrary, my purchases have all been carefully packaged, have arrived safely and intact after being shipped across the country and they are lovely additions to my tree.  Those ornaments are of the usual type: angels, glass balls, nutcrackers, Santa Claus, reindeer, snowmen.  In fact, Bronner’s sells plenty of traditional Christmas décor.

For the tree…

(strange to think of puchasing a Holy Family, individually or otherwise...)

For the yard…

For the mantel…

And just about everything can be personalized…

All in all, you can get pretty much get whatever you want from them. 

So imagine my excitement when the cover of the catalog announced that there were 332 New Items!  (I KNOW!)

Now, many of these New Items appear to be variations on old favorites.  For instance, everybody has seen ornaments celebrating grandparents so it’s only natural that we go one step further and include great-grandparents…

And pets… 

And professions…

And then there are items that make you realize that even the pros get some pretty stupid ideas every year. 

But I still expected Bronner’s to wow me with new takes on whimsy.  I wanted more than just a crocodile in a pink tutu…

More than just a personalized bulldozer…

And I got more than I bargained for. Way more.  So strap yourselves in, ladies and gentlemen.  Let the grand tour begin. 

   

Suppose you’ve just come home from another Christmas Cookie swap and you’re sick to death of gingerbread and all those homemade goodies from Grandma.  So why not get down with some of America’s true holiday favorites, rendered in glass and glitter?

Have a Yule Dog with your choice of condiments!

Christmas Pizza!

You kindergarteners can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a bite already taken out of it, just like the one you threw away today at school! 

Perhaps you fancy some Chinese take-out with a fortune cookie…

And a nice slice of cherry cheesecake from the deli…

although perhaps these last items are meant to be paired with these lovely Hannukah ornaments…

I kept turning the pages, amazed at what I could actually put on my MasterCard.

For example, what better way to say “Happy Holidays” than to hang on your tree a 3000-year-old death mask from the coffin of a teenaged Egyptian king who never heard of Christianity?  I mean, think about it.  (Believe me, I have.)

But then, just when I thought things couldn’t get much weirder, they actually did.

This actually says “Christmas” to someone? Anyone?

 And a cell phone?  Really?

The universal remote?  As personalized Christmas talismans?

Well, okay.  If you say so, Bronner’s.

Now, what could be more fun for the holidays than a spirited round of… what, Christmas carols with roasted chestnuts, you say?  Oh no, no, no.  

The folks at Bronner’s are thinking more like…

No? Not your style?

Maybe you’re yearning for something more familiar. Something a bit more recognizable? Something trademarked, perhaps.

Something to appeal to the Littlest Consumer in all of us?

Whew, that’s better.  But something’s missing… what could it be? Oh, I know!

In fact, while you’re searching for the bottle opener, consider giving all of the imbibers in your circle a complete set of what I like to call the “Christmas Means Alcohol for Everybody” collection: blown glass ornaments celebrating their spirits of choice… 

And if anybody gets behind the wheel, Santa, and has an accident while DUI, no worries.

 The Christmas Ambulance will be right along to get you and your victims to the hospital in a jiffy.

I don’t know about you, but Christmas always makes me think of “cooking”, so how about these?

Mini-mobile methamphetamine laboratories in a variety of glittering styles to suit your pickiest “Breaking Bad” fan.

I know what you’re thinking.  These little things are just America’s way of celebrating. Our culture embraces the biggest and best of everything.  In fact, we ARE the biggest and best of everything and that leads us to the Nationalist section of this year’s catalog.  Yes, national flags belong on everyone’s tree, especially during a time of war because that’s when we really know who our allies are.  And guess who’s got the biggest flag of all?

I was a little surprised that there was no Israeli flag available, considering I could order Hannukah ornaments.  Nothing for the Christians of Lebanon or India.  No Iraqi flag either.

But there were some other offerings based in something a little more, shall we say, jingoistic…

I didn’t know USAF fighter jets and the Space Shuttle were emblems of the Christmas holiday spirit, but apparently, I am uninformed (as well as ununiformed).

My husband wanted to know if there was an Enola Gay ornament.

And I said no, but there is a little airplane ornament that we could have personalized “Enola Gay” (“No, seriously, it’s my grandmother’s name.”) and then we could position it so that it was flying across the tree to the Japanese flag ornament.  But then we realized that there was no Japanese flag ornament available.  (Funny, they’re selling them for the other former Axis powers…) But then we saw that they DID have a Communist China flag ornament.  So all hope is not lost!

And while we’re talking about real American Christmas heroes, consider the obvious:

"A hunka hunka burnin' Yule log..."

And the slightly-less-obvious:

 “Saddle up, pilgrim.  We’re headin’ over to Aunt Eunice’s for some holiday jerky.”

As I flipped through the pages of the catalog faster and faster, I could see that they were pulling out all the stops.  It was as if EVERY idea spawned by the Bronner’s New Items Committee had been instantly brought to life and not a single one had been rejected.

Anybody could have an ornament celebrating Fluffy or Sparky… but YOU could have your own Christmas Manatee.

Or a Yuletide Buffalo.

Or if you’re sick of telling the kids to keep their hands off the tree, try draping the Christmas  Portuguese Man o’ War over some low-hanging branches and watch them recoil BUT PRONTO!

Okay, so you like the jellyfish idea, but it’s so small.  You want something BIG that will really send out the holiday message of “LOOK OUT! GRAB THE CAMERA!  HERE COMES PEACE ON EARTH!”

Ladies and gentlemen, I propose the Christmas Bigfoot.   Or Sasquatch, if you prefer.

But perhaps the Great North Woods, the Himalayas or British Columbia is too rugged a winter for you.  You’d prefer to spend your Christmas in the Caribbean?  Bronner’s has just the thing.

Because nothing says Yuletide like the Jolly Roger and a half-blind pirate. Arrrrrrrrrrr…

And while we’re on the waterfront, who doesn’t love the sounds of Christmas morning: the laughter, the tears of joy…

and the grinding buzz of your brand-new Personal Watercraft as it churns up the lake, the pool (or the carpeting).  Try to avoid the Christmas Manatee, will ya, ya maniac!  Oh, those crazy kids.

Are you ready now for a glass of Santa’s wine?  Ho ho ho.

Yes, all this and more at www.bronners.com.